Slowly, but gradually, the more I witness everything fester and rot beyond all recognition, I come to terms with where I stand in all of this.

There is another revelation I have had in my mind, which has come up a lot, and it is this.

I am not a nice guy with a good heart. I don't claim to be either. I used to be, during a time I had been less judgemental and critical. But not anymore. I had already given that up a very long time ago.

The first time I experienced bullying to the extent that I had begun to feel thoroughly unsafe in any environment, and had already learnt not to take a certain person at face value, I was eleven. At times, the people giving me all of that shit would escalate it to the point where I would let loose. Sometimes, I would end up being the one who got scolded, when it couldn't have been any fucking clearer as to who had actually started all of this to begin with.

Good hearts see the good even in those that hurt or break them. I don't. By the time I had been old enough, and smart enough to connect the dots regarding this, I had already learnt to take a loathing against the fools who hurt me. I swore a solemn oath to myself never to trust anyone who approached me until they could prove that they were worthy of my trust and my friendship. Some folks I had actively fucking despised at the very worst of times. I just got very good at hiding it.

A good heart makes excuses when the person who hurt them can't think of a valid excuse. I don't. I used to. But I packed that in a long time ago. Especially when it had come to someone so inherently fucking vile and braindead, that they could never make a thing for themselves other than to show everyone who was riding the high horse round these ends, or whatever kind of highfalutin activity they had frequency indulged in. And yet, somehow, I still pitied the fools. A strange mix of emotions and thoughts had always been brewing in my head then, and it had always made me feel sick to the stomach. Even now, I get it.

A good heart always accepts apologies a bad heart could not give. I don't. Even if a bad motherfucker apologizes, it means exactly fuck all to me. Just a big nothing burger. A lesson I had quickly grown to learn in the first year of secondary/high school. Because I had known full well they they were just gonna pull the same shit over, and over, and over again. Therefore, I am not a good heart in that respect. Just wiser, more cynical, and therefore more introverted by the very nature of it.

A good heart always finds it on their heart to forgive the motherfucker who had suddenly decided to betray them, even worse at the very last minute. Even if they had never earned it. I don't.

If someone has done anything that is inherently unforgivable, I won't even bother trying to give them the benefit of a doubt. If I feel thoroughly betrayed by that person, you can bet your ass that I am instantly gonna look at them as an irredeemable traitor, and I am gonna cut all contact with them. Never give them the time of day again. I won't even waste time trying to chase that fucker after a certain amount of time has flown by, or ask them when they are gonna take it upon themselves to earn my forgiveness, let alone trust. That's it. If it's over, it's over.

A good person always puts everyone else before themselves. I don't. I go out my way to set another person's priorities first when such a time should call for it. Other than that, I had already learnt to set my own fucking priorities straight first, and had dedicated a lot of my time doing what had suited my own wellbeing best. I would take what had been my due when I had earned it.

And yet, society continues to reward the most reprehensible amongst us most richly, whilst the rest who, at the very least, are not completely fucking braindead or gullible, are left to fend for themselves. After all, it is called 'Survival of the fittest' for a fucking reason. It is a dog eat dog world, such as it always had been back then. If you wanna fucking party you gotta fight for it first, or at least stand your ground as best you can. In an increasingly insane world, which holds an increasingly insane societal rhetoric, run by an increasingly inept bunch of scrotums who scrutinizes anyone who threatens to change that, standing your ground is all you truly can do.

If no one else is gonna have your back, than what else is there to it, right?

I had learnt pretty early on to expect the absolute worst from people in general, and when that human being had inevitably met that expectation, I was not so disappointed. At least it had given me an incentive to avoid any contact with that person again like the fucking plague, and to instead turn all of my focus on those who actually give a shit. If I hadn't built the fundamental critical thinking skills, which had served me better than I had at first expected, when I had, if it had taken me much longer altogether to fucking grow a set of balls and fucking get real, I'd have been buggered.

In an ideal world, the general population would have already fucking snapped out of that inherently materialist, and highly unrealistic - needless to say blatantly false - dichotomy that formed this capitalistic hellscape we all live in in the first place. But this isn't the ideal world. If it hadn't existed before to start off with, then you should expect that it is never gonna exist at all! Yeah, you could try praying desperately for an ideal world where there is peace and justice all around, but it's just never gonna be that way. Peace is a myth.

That doesn't mean I don't still try to be nice to folks. I'm not gonna be a horrible little shit cunt to everyone just for the sake of it. I'd still make a genuine effort for folks I feel deserve it best.

But being too nice can be a big turn off, and I have to draw my lines somewhere.